Vote funny for this stupid video please.
Thoughts To Torture Myself #2
“I got one of those Pilot Light Jerk Dogs. You know, one of those breeds of dog that always blows out the pilot light on your gas stove? I didn’t know why they called them that but now I do.”
Chris Locke’s 2011 Festival showcase at Yuk Yuks, Toronto.
A Sci-Fi writer tries to act in an adaptation of his own work but really he just drives the director crazy.
Starring Chris Locke, Nathan Fielder, and Leslie Gottlieb. Directed & EDITED BY Derek Horn.
Thoughts To Torture Myself #1
“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Unfortunately we have become stuck in the sky and will have to start a new society in the clouds. Also, whatever relationship you’re in right now doesn’t count anymore.”
Better Ways To Say Doggystyle.
Everyone likes the sexual position of doggystyle. It’s decent. Feels alright. But I don’t like using the term doggystyle to describe it. So I made a quick list of some way better ways to say you’re doing it in that position:
Monkey Huggin’
Letter ‘h’ style
Table and Chair style
Butt Conducting
The Heimdick Maneuver
The “Gotcha! Come here, you.”
The Mahogany Desk
The Buttler
The Grid weekly column. Harshtags.
Hey guys,
I have a new weekly humour column with my friend Ennis Esmer for http:/thegridto.com
It goes into print every Thursday but you can follow it online too.
Here’s the link:
http://www.thegridto.com/timewasters/harshtags/
Please check it out and enjoy life!
Torontoist Article.
Hey everyone,
Mikey Kolberg wrote a nice article about my stand up and some shows I had coming up. Please check it out and think it’s nice. Thanks.
http://torontoist.com/2011/04/chris_locke_craves_broader_audience_better_meals.php
Things I Overheard During An Ice Storm
“Oh poop, I forgot about this kind of weather.”
“Ice-tastic! Just kidding. Ice-shit.”
“Now all we need is Ting and some beef patties, Ya feel me?”
“Check it out, that bus is going to get a coffee… Oh wait, it’s actually crashing into Starbucks. I’ll have a grande accident, please. Ha ha. I should be a comedian.”
“My baby just slid into the sewer.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l9rN4w1MXO4
“I’m calling the Mayor! Hello, Mayor, I do not pay you for ice storms!”
“Sheesh!”
“Hey you kids! Stop skating on my lawn!”
“Ow, I slipped and cracked open my head. There’s blood everywhere. No one’s listening to me. I’m talking to myself. How embarrassing.”
Remembering Humph.
Photo of Graham Wagner and Humphrey Bogart courtesy Warner Bros.
Before Humphrey Bogart died of lung cancer at the age of 34, he was blazing through Hollywood pictures like a cigarette house smoking itself to death. Gentlemen of all ages were rushing to the theatre to watch Bogey push a dame, slurp up some whiskey, and poke the barrel of a pistol out of the fly of his trousers. I was scrutinizing the classic, High Sierra, the other day and it hit me how stupid old this goddamned thing was. Every single person in the film acted like a dork that would get laughed out of our clubhouse today. But there was Humphrey Bogart in the middle of all these dead great-grandparents in his itchy trousers acting like a pickle in a fedora. The men of that era are long gone. And to illustrate that point I’ve collected the best quotes by Bogey from his best flicks. Enjoy!
“I’m not emotional you daffy dame, bird brain. Where you going? Let me hit you.”
“For a dame, you sure do act like you got a big wang.”
“I wouldn’t give you two cents for a dame that doesn’t act like a bro.”
“I can’t believe I’m actually taking a bath with a dame.”
“When you’re slapped, you’ll take it and like it… I love you so much.”
“There’s kids looking at us, kid.”
“You’re a slut.”
“Even though I’m standing you can still sit in my lap. Don’t act like I’m weird.”
“I’m going to put mustard on my cigarette.”
“I’m the punch-yourself-in-the-teeth-with-brass-knuckles type.”
“I don’t trust anybody - especially women! Can I have some boob, though?”
(To his cigarette) “Light yourself again, Sam.”
